


Only Fools

by Moth2Flame



Series: Only Fools [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Aaron is angry for most of this, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Kevin Day, Graphic decription of drug use, Internalised Homophobia, M/M, Post-Canon, Repressed Bisexual Aaron Minyard, Self-Loathing, Suicide Idention, Tilda is a terrible mother, graphic description of mental and physical abuse against a minor, lots of swearing because my version of Aaron swears alot, reference to past sexual abuse of a secondary character, self-hate, she messed Aaron up bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-10-29 05:17:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20791256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moth2Flame/pseuds/Moth2Flame
Summary: Aaron was just going along, minding his own business, content in his life and then... feelings.Unwanted ones. Bad ones. Ones he shouldn't be having and ones he definitely shouldn't be having about Kevin fucking Day.The thing is, Aaron's not particulary good when it comes to feelings.In fact, he could almost give Andrew a run for his money when it comes to being self-destructive in his stubborn determination to deny themSet post-canon, and AKA: Aaron is an angry prickly cactus and Kevin just wants to hug him (but with angst)





	Only Fools

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, look, I did a thing.  
Theres not nearly enough Kevaaron so I decided to fix that.  
Also, this is just the first part of 3. I wrote this one but there are alot of side issues that go unaddressed so I wrote a part 2 but that got too long so now part 3 is already started.
> 
> This can definitly be read as a one-shot so dont worry, there's no cliffhanger... on this one.
> 
> This is probably, definitely OOC
> 
> TW: definitly read the tags, but theres also a scene with Tilda that contains racist slurrs, homophobic slurrs, and some pretty bad psycological and physical abuse. Mature rating is for the dark themes, not for sex. Aaron is very angry and very depressed and his own internal monologue could be potentially triggering so please be wary. Did i mention suicide idention? no? yeah, theres a lot of that. oh, and cheating? is that a trigger? DW its not between the main ship but it is relevant, especially if you plan to read the next one.
> 
> um... enjoy?

They never talked about it.

It had been a mutual, silent agreement between them, something cold and hard and shuttered, to never talk about it, never mention it, and never acknowledge its existence.

For all intents and purposes, it had never happened.

But Aaron was cursed with an identic memory and the truth was that, no matter many days, weeks, months and years moved past, it was a memory he just could not erase, no matter how hard he tried.

And he tried.

**

The heat from the sun was trying to fry Aaron alive, of that he was sure. It didn’t matter that his skin was more sunscreen than pores, the UV rays were digging their way into his tender, pale flesh and painting his skin pink and sore. 

Katelyn smiled at him with a small curled smile, fondness in her expression in the face of his uncomfortable scowl. Her skin was a light olive that tanned golden in the summer, her dyed strands lighting up like the sun. 

He tried to remove the scowl from his face, to allow it to melt away under the warmth of her smile. It used to work. The beautiful warmth of Katelyn used to soften him, weaken him, no matter how cold and harsh his moods. 

But lately, less and less so. He was putting up barriers against her, building walls and taking steps back and letting things come between them. 

Her smile turned to something sad, something frail and wavering and Aaron felt his heart plummet into his white sneakers and fear clutch at his chest. 

She was going to leave him. 

He knew it, she was going to leave him. Katelyn was so warm and beautiful and kind and smart and funny and so far out of Aaron’s league he didn’t even know how he’d managed to capture her attention in the first place. 

But, somehow, some amazing way, he had and now he was going to lose her and it was going to be all his fault and he didn’t even know how to hold on. 

He didn’t know how to not ruin the one good thing he’d ever had in his life, because he’d already ruined it. 

Her smile faded and her face turned straight ahead and the dark blue of her eyes turned distant and Aaron knew he was fucking this up and he just didn’t know how to fix it. 

His failure only served to make him angry. His anger made him short, irritable and snappish. 

He wanted to fight. He wanted to break something. He wanted to rip and tear and shred and destroy and drown it in gasoline and light it on fire. He wanted to peel the skin from his muscles with his finger nails and press his fingers into his eyes ‘til all he could see were spots of black and red. 

He was burning on the inside and he didn’t know how to stop. 

Nicky had taken to retreating to Neil and Andrew, and didn’t that just paint a clear and evident picture of how foul Aaron’s mood was when _Andrew_ was considered the more pleasant twin. 

Matt kept a wary distance, trying and failing to nudge Aaron out of his mood. With dinner invitations and movie marathons and Xbox campaigns, it was like the other backliner somehow thought they were friends. 

And that only pissed Aaron off further. 

“I’m not your fucking friend, Matt. Stop trying so hard, it’s pathetic” he’d said to Matts smiling face, lip curled in a sneer and voice cruel with distaste. 

Matts open expression had closed off and the usually kind man had put his hands up in defeat and said, “fine”

Aaron had killed his budding and tentative new friendship with Matt and he hated himself for that too. 

Andrew was completely indifferent. Aaron would have been convinced that Andrew didn’t even have feelings if he hadn’t seen the utter terror and loss of control when Neil had disappeared 2 years previous, or watched how many cracks had been exposed in his foundation during the trial that was only a year ago now. 

After Aaron’s third attempt to snip and snipe at Neil to get a rise out of him, a reaction, _something._ Neil had looked at him coolly with that detestable bland and calculating expression on his face and said, “whatever issues are going on with your relationship are your problem. Stop trying to make it mine”

He hated Neil Josten. He hated him so much that he almost hated him more than he hated himself and that thought had been a sickening comfort for awhile until his anger had simmered back into a self-loathing. 

Kevin slammed into him so hard at practice he was sure he’d popped a rib under his armor. Aaron had tried to shove the unforgiving weight off him but his arms felt heavy and he gave up after a moment of struggle, helpless to shove away the stubborn and infuriating weight of Kevin and his cold, disapproving judgement. 

“Snap out of it. Get your head in the game or get off the court, because you’re utterly useless like this” Kevin’s green eyes flashed hard and unforgiving. 

Aaron felt the fight leave him. He tried, desperately, scrabbling to hang on to his anger with raw and bloody fingers but it was no use. It fell away and underneath he just _hurt. _

He saw the moment Kevin saw it, felt the moment his pressure lessened, saw the softening of his face and Aaron shoved away from him because he couldn’t bare to look at it. 

He didn’t want pity. 

And he sure as fuck did not want pity from Kevin fucking Day. 

**

She broke up with him on a Wednesday. 

He was still sticky and slick with sweat, catching his breath in sex-rumpled sheets, his heart beating wildly and finally feeling some semblance of calm, of peace, when it was shattered by her soft and careful words,

“I can’t do this anymore.”

He didn’t beg or plead for her to stay, and that had been enough evidence in itself for the both of them. 2 years ago Aaron had finally stood up to his brother so that he could have Katelyn. Now, he wouldn’t even fight himself. It was already over and they were fooling themselves pretending otherwise. 

All Aaron remembered of that night was sitting on his bed and staring at the wall until Nicky came in and sat beside him. Nicky didn’t waste his breath on words and Aaron was unconsciously thankful for it. 

Aaron woke with his head resting on Nicky’s arm and Nicky lightly snoring above him. Aaron shook Nicky rudely and directed him back to his own bed before snuggling under the covers of his own. He was tired. Exhausted. But now he’d slept his mind just kept spinning around in circles, all his failures, all his awful shortcomings, his mother’s voice sneering in his ear, it was all too much. 

He slipped out of the covers, his body covered with a cold sweat, and padded down the hallway to the lounge. 

He didn’t bother turning on the light as he went to the fridge, grabbing himself a bottle of water and chugging half of it down. He slipped the lid on, watching his fingers as they twisted, then sent the bottle slamming into the far wall with a fast and devastating throw. 

“Jesus-_fuck!_” a voice exclaimed from the couch, a phantom in the dark almost unseen, but Aaron would recognize that sleep-soggy voice anywhere. 

“What the fuck, Day? What are you doing on my couch?” he hissed at him, his voice cracking from disuse. 

Kevin sat up and rubbed at his eyes, running a hand through his dark, sleep rumpled hair, “Andrew kicked me out and told me to sleep here.“

“Andrew kicked you-? Why the hell would Andrew kick you out? That doesn’t make…” then his eyes widened as realization dawned and his face scrunched up in disgust, “oh, fucking hell, I did not want to know that”

Kevin shrugged, the movement almost undetectable in the dark. 

Aaron seethed. He was so angry. So hurt and angry and confused and having Kevin here right now did not help him at all. 

Aaron was staring at the wall like he could light it on fire just with his mind. It didn’t work, it never did, but he liked to imagine the flames eating up everything and burning him alive. 

“I heard. About Katelyn” Kevin broke the simmering quiet, his voice strained, and Aaron sent his vicious look on him. “I’m… sorry”

It was so awkward and insincere and Aaron was _this close_ to punching him in the face, “fuck off”

“I mean it”

_“Fuck off”_

“Aaron-“

“Don’t!“ he snapped, his voice creaking on the syllable. His hand moved to his face and it was shaking and clammy. “Just don’t. I can’t- not from you. So don’t”

Even in the dark, Aaron could feel Kevin’s stare boring into him and he hated it so much it made his skin crawl. 

He was vulnerable. Exposed. And neither of these things were safe around Kevin. Not now, not ever. 

The silence stretched between them until Kevin sighed, deep and heavy. 

“Look, just… go to bed. Get some sleep. We have practice tomorrow and you’re already distracted enough as it is”

“Fuck off, you can’t tell me what to do”

“Fine,” Kevin snapped, throwing the blanket off himself at standing abruptly, “stay out here then. I’ll see you in the morning”

Kevin moved a step closer to the door but Aaron blocked his path, “what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Kevin stepped up to him but Aaron was well used to people looking down on him, trying to intimidate him. That was his life. So he stared back coolly and wholly unimpressed, fists clenched at his sides just begging to hit something. 

“It’s simple. If you’re not going to use your bed, then I will. Move”

Aaron planted his feet and glared. He pointed a harsh finger into the firm muscle of Kevin’s chest, “you. _Will not_ sleep. In _my_ bed. Ever. Got it? “

Kevin smiled, and it was a condescending, pitying little thing, “sure, Aaron. Whatever you say”

Aaron turned on his heel and left and felt like he’d just been played. It wasn’t exactly a pleasant feeling, not in the slightest, and it plagued him for the rest of the night, prickling under his skin and making him feel even more the fool.

**

Friday meant a home game but Friday also meant Eden’s and after trying and failing not to watch Katelyn with her other cheerleaders Aaron decided he was quite ready to get off-his-face wasted until he passed out cold. 

He wanted the burn down his throat, the fire in his stomach, and the tingling of dust under his skin. That was, until, they got to Sweeties and Aaron remembered that Andrew was no longer grabbing them Crackers and then he was angry for a whole different reason. 

It was Josten’s fault, he was sure of it. The menace had made it quite clear how he felt about the drug. Somehow, some way, Josten had managed to convince Andrew not to buy it anymore, the same way he managed to convince Andrew to do anything. 

He hated them both. So much. 

Aaron downed his drinks faster than any of them. He slipped onto the dance floor amidst the sweaty, grinding bodies and allowed strangers to put their hands all over him. He was crawling in his skin. He felt dirty, disgusting, uninhibited and dangerous. 

He wanted a fight. He wanted a fuck. But most of all he wanted to get so fucking high that he couldn’t even remember his own name and all he could see were stars. 

The beat pulsed in his blood and the lights shone into his bones and the man he’d found called himself Jimmy, with a too bright smile and a rumbling laugh. 

Jimmy dragged him off into a bathroom and Aaron wasn’t exactly sure what it was that was on offer, but at that point he was down for almost anything. Then Jimmy pulled out a little baggy of brown tinted powder and Aaron both internally recoiled and almost snatched it right from between his nimble fingers. 

Heroin. Oh, such a sweet, enticing temptress. Hardcore users usually shot up with needles but Aaron had only ever smoked it. It was such a silly thing, but he drew the line at needles. That was probably the only thing that had saved his life. 

Jimmy waved the bag like a prize, half hidden in the end stall, but they were both too drunk to bother closing the door and both to wired to believe themselves anything but invincible. 

Jimmy pulled out a glass pipe that was definitely used for Meth, using a cut-off straw to scoop an amount out of the bag a funnel it into the small hole on the side of the pipe. He produced a lighter by magic, heating the end until the powder started to melt and let off its sweet, intoxicating smoke. 

Aaron watched the way it funneled up the glass tube and disappeared into Jimmy’s lungs and felt both sick-to-his-stomach and itching-excited with the anticipation. 

Heroin would give him exactly what he needed. The glass pipe moved into his hand and it was so much like greeting an old friend that his shoulders sagged and his body ached. 

Usually, there was a part of his mind that screamed at him when he went to close to drugs. A part of him that cautioned, and lectured, and berated and cursed and fumed. 

That part was silent now, thoroughly covered by grief and alcohol and self-loathing and regret. He just wanted to feel nothing, at least for a little while. 

“Toke up man, then the real party begins”

And Aaron wasn’t stupid. Aaron knew that nothing came for free. He knew that Jimmy had been eyeing him and would no doubt take advantage of his blissed-out and inebriated state, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything. 

Before he could even put the glass to his mouth, the door slammed open and Jimmy was yanked out of sight. 

Only to be replaced by a tall, dark, and absolutely furious man standing in front of him, symbolic tattoo popping out harshly on his face. Aaron could barely think to react before the glass pipe was smacked out of his hand and ground to dust under Kevin’s heavy boot. 

Then he rounded on Aaron, green eyes lit with a rare fire and promptly shoved Aaron back into the wall of the stall. 

_“What the fuck are you doing?“_

And Aaron… he laughed. Something harsh and broken and utterly pitiful, half hanging on to the toilet for balance, the cracked and mended porcelain cool on his overheated skin. 

“You’re gonna throw away your life, for what? To get high? You’re a fucking disgrace. Just because you got dumped doesn’t mean you-“

Aaron wasn’t laughing anymore. No, he was plotting murder. He wondered if Andrew would kill him in retaliation or just help him bury the body. 

He shoved past Kevin with a strength he didn’t know his drunken limbs could posses, but Kevin was evidently more sober and much faster and he slammed the door shut on him and latched it behind his back, effectively trapping him. 

Aaron aimed a punch to his face, but Kevin managed to deflect it to a glancing blow. When he swung again, his hit was too wide and Kevin caught it with ease, grasping his wrist in firm and unbreakable grip and grabbing the other before he even managed to pull it back. 

“Stop. Stop it, Aaron. Stop!” Kevin shook him, towering over him and using his strength to restrain Aaron’s weak attempts at escape. 

Too weak. He was too weak. He was always too weak. 

He stopped struggling and his breathing came faster and rushed and for a terrifying moment he thought he might cry. 

But then Kevin’s hands came up to grip his face, fingers slipping into the line of his hair. His hold was strong, unwavering. Grounding. Kevin leaned closer, down, and pressed his forehead to Aaron’s as his grip tightened to almost painful, before releasing into something soft. 

“Stop. Please, just stop. You are tearing yourself apart and I can’t bare to watch it anymore” Kevin’s voice cracked into something broken and fragile and Aaron’s heart was hammering in his chest. 

He was so weak. So weak when it came to Kevin. 

And he hated himself for it. 

He hated himself when his fist clenched into the black buttoned collar of Kevin’s shirt. 

He hated himself more when he yanked the taller man closer, erasing the space between them and taking his mouth with something that was almost more bite than kiss. 

He would hate himself eternally for when he manhandled the suddenly pliant striker onto the closed toilet seat and slid onto his lap without a second thought, grabbing a rough fistful of those damned brunette locks and yanking his head back for better access to his mouth. 

He hated Kevin’s hands on him. He hated that he wanted them there. He hated the noise Kevin made when Aaron bit his lip and he hated his own equally breathy and unstoppable noise when Kevin’s hot, calloused hands lifted the shirt on his back and skidded pathways across his skin that Aaron knew would be burned into his mind until the day he died. 

He hated that he couldn’t stop. He hated that he never wanted to. 

Kevin tried to slow it down, but Aaron wouldn’t let him. He was too pent up, too angry, too possessed for something soft and slow. 

He didn’t want fucking soft and slow. He wanted fast and dirty. He wanted it to hurt. 

Kevin tasted like vodka and tonic and something heedy, something strong and distinct, something masculine and intoxicating and it was all Aaron could do to just pull away to breathe. 

Then the phone in Kevin’s pocket started ringing a shrill sound, the vibration of it buzzing against the inside of Aaron’s thigh. 

Aaron wanted Kevin to ignore it. He wanted Kevin to answer it. He also wanted to disappear and wake up to yesterday and do everything he could to ensure this didn’t happen again. 

He also kind of wanted to die.

“Andrew. Yeah. I found him. No, he didn’t. Yes, I’m sure. We’ll be out in a minute”

It was the slap back to reality he needed, and Aaron all but plastered himself to the door in his attempt to put distance between them. He fumbled with the lock, but his shaking hands and sweaty palms couldn’t catch a grip. He didn’t dare look Kevin in the eye. 

Kevin stood, towering over him once more, but this time Aaron shied away from it. He felt shamed. He felt sick. He felt dirty and wrong and awful and like he was about to vomit and then choke on it. 

Was he breathing? He wasn’t sure. He didn’t feel like he could catch a breath and every single millisecond stuck in Kevin’s presence was suffocating.

Kevin moved and Aaron flinched. It was instinctive, unstoppable, his whole body waiting for a blow that never came.

Kevin’s hand lurched back in his own flinch, but slowly, carefully, his hand moved at an agonizing pace to the door – the lock—and unlatched it. 

“I would never-“ he started, and it was something dark and deep and burning and Aaron couldn’t bare the thought of looking at it. 

“Fuck you, Aaron. I would never hit you. _Fuck you_. God, you make me want to sometimes, but I would never, ever hit you,” and with that, Kevin yanked the door open behind Aaron’s back. Aaron was only just able to move himself out of the way in time before he was jammed behind it, Kevin shoving past and exiting without a backward glance. 

Aaron stared down at the toilet and wondered if he had the guts to drown himself in it. 

It turned out that he didn’t, for he exited the stall and the bathroom a few minutes behind. 

He was met with a rough hand fisted in his shirt, the concrete wall behind him digging into his back as he was pushed up against it, a snarling replica of his face invading the space of his own, 

“I will ask you once and only once, so you best not lie to me, brother: are you high? “

Aaron sneered back, but it paled in comparison. It always paled in comparison, “no, I’m not fucking high”

Andrew assessed him, watching him carefully in the flashing lights, before he dropped him as abruptly as he’d grabbed him. 

“We’re leaving”

The entire ride back to the house Andrew refused to look at him. Neil sent Aaron a considering look. Aaron was squished between Kevin and Nicky in the backseat, and his skin itched for distance and space. 

Back at the house Neil almost looked like he was going to say something, but the venomous look Aaron gave him made Neil shut his mouth and then Aaron slammed his bedroom door with a resounding finality before falling into his bed. He slept and didn’t dream and it was the best night’s rest he’d had in a while, despite the hangover. 

**

It had happened without warning. 

Or, at least, it had felt like no warning to Aaron. 

One minute he and Kevin had been laughing and smiling. And the next they’d been gripping each other with desperate hands, yanking each other closer to eliminate the space between them, tongues battling and mouths devouring until they were so lost in each other they didn’t know how to stop. 

Aaron hadn’t seen it coming, but maybe he should have. 

It had started after Riko died. 

“Committed suicide” was what they said, but the Foxes knew better. Neil hadn’t necessarily _told_ the rest of them what had happened, but they all at least suspected. 

Riko had been executed. 

He was a loose end, a risk, and now, with a shattered arm thanks to Andrew’s quick reflexes, utterly useless. So he’d been killed. 

The world of Exy mourned him. 

The Foxes didn’t, but Kevin did. 

Strangely, out of everyone, it was with Aaron whom Kevin found solace. 

The other Foxes didn’t understand, not really. Andrew held no sympathy and Neil was far too impatient with Kevin’s mourning. Nicky attempted at sympathy but he was far too reasoning and positive that any attempt only fell flat. 

Kevin retreated to the court and, when he was banned from it for overexerting himself, he retreated to Aaron. 

Aaron didn’t try to sympathize or understand. He didn’t need to. He’d already lived it. 

Some would say that the parallels were completely off, but Aaron didn’t feel like they were. Aaron understood what it was to both love and hate the person who you relied on, the person who was killing you, and the utter robbery of having that person taken away from you without your choice. Without your closure. Just… gone.

Kevin retreated to Aaron and Matt and Nicky’s room sometimes, sitting in front of the screen and staring at it until Aaron tossed a controller into his hands and instructed him how to play. 

The others were cautious around him. The new freshman, when they’d arrived, tried to give him awkward condolences and star-struck stares, but Aaron only ever treated Kevin the same. 

Turned out, Kevin got single-mindedly focused on whatever he was into, not just Exy. Aaron suspected that Exy was a harsh reminder at the moment, so they spent their time in front of the screen, handing a vodka bottle back and forth, and staying up into the wee hours of the morning until their eyes were blurry and their reflexes were weak. 

16 times. 

That was how many times Aaron and Kevin had woken up on opposite sides of Matt’s generous couch at fuck-knows-what-time in the morning after a long night of gaming that Aaron’s hands still ached from. 

1 time. 

That was the singular time that Aaron woke up to something warm and heavy wrapped around him and opened his eyes to find Kevin’s head nestled on the groove between his hip and his stomach, arm hanging over his body and reaching for the floor. 

Aaron made sure to never fall asleep in the couch after that. 

They’d gotten closer afterwards, though. Nothing much but, sharing jokes and catching each others eye and gravitating towards each other in a group. They were used to being near each other, and there was a comfort in that. 

Then, the trail started. 

Kevin wasn’t allowed to go but he retreated to Aaron’s dorm nonetheless, no doubt wanting to avoid Andrew. Everyone avoided Andrew, even Nicky, who went to the courthouse with them but wisely kept his mouth shut. Aaron had never seen Andrew look so damn vulnerable before – not even that night he’d killed Drake- and when Andrew was vulnerable Andrew was violent and nobody wanted to be at the pointy end of one of his blades. 

Neil was the only one who dared near him. 

Neil was the only one who could probably survive in a room with him when he was so damn close to the fucking edge. 

Oh, Aaron wanted to hate him. He did hate him. He hated Neil Josten fiercely and wholly but he also didn’t know what he would do if Andrew didn’t have Neil. 

Neil – _the lying asshole_—who somehow always knew just what to say and when to say it and when to keep quiet… at least when it came to Andrew. 

It was Kevin, this time. And this time, instead of a controller, it was a bottle of whiskey. A much needed bottle of whiskey as Aaron was once again filled with the vivid memory of finding his brother half stripped and covered in blood and retrained and that fucker towered over him like some kind of demon and- fuck. _Fuck. FUCK OFF_

Aaron drank and nobody stopped him. 

Matt had hovered awkwardly before reading the room and deciding he wasn’t welcome. 

Nicky had drunk himself silly but kept his mouth shut, tears rolling down his face as he stared emptily at the wall before declaring that he was going to call Eric and disappearing into the bedroom. 

Kevin had sat unwavering at Aaron’s side until the alcohol had loosened Aaron’s mouth enough that all his inner tormenting thoughts started to spill out of his mouth. 

“Eight months. He was raped for. Eight. Fucking. Months. And the only reason he left was because he’d heard from me. Because… _that twisted, sick fucker_… had learned about me. How-“ he broke off, his voice cracking painfully, hoarse and broken and utterly wrecked with simmering rage and despair. “How long would he have suffered, how long would he have just… put up with it, if I hadn’t…? If Higgins hadn’t found me… how long…?“

His thoughts were spinning and his mind was churning and his whiskey filled gut was heaving with bile and he barely made it to the bathroom before his entire stomach was upended and swimming in the porcelain bowl. He kept heaving but there was nothing left. 

Then he was crying. Great, heaving, pitiful sobs that broke through his chest and out his throat with abandon. It felt like his whole being was getting torn apart, his whole world shattering around him. 

Andrew. His unshakeable, immovable brother. Twin. His _twin_. And what he’d had to…. 

Aaron didn’t know when he’d felt arms around him, and he didn’t know when he’d taken fistfuls of shirt, and he didn’t know when warmth had finally registered to his sweat-sick skin, and he didn’t know when he’d pressed his forehead into a warm and firm collarbone, and he didn’t know when his sobs had turned to shaking breaths, and he didn’t know when he’d ever cried into anyone’s arms who wasn’t Katelyn but he couldn’t pull himself away from it now. It was the only thing that was holding him together. 

After that, they’d talked about Riko and about Aaron’s mother, and they’d shared stories into the intimate space of the tiled bathroom, anything to distract themselves from what Aaron was facing, what Andrew was facing. What Andrew _had_ faced. 

Kevin told stories, horrific things, that aught to make Aaron hate him, but he didn’t. He didn’t because he got it, and Kevin got Aaron and it was like a wall between them had come crumbling down and they were both laid open, broken and bare, on a dirty-tiled floor in a vomit-stinking bathroom and it had felt a lot like release. 

After that… maybe it would have seemed inevitable. Maybe it would be seen as a natural progression or some bullshit like that, but Aaron had Katelyn and he loved her – fully, wholly, completely—and Kevin had Thea, and yet still they gravitated around each other. Aaron still didn’t know if he’d been blind to the danger or if he’d subconsciously seen it coming a decided to plow on ahead anyway. He didn’t know. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever know. What he did know, was that it all became a big fucking mess. 

Kevin didn’t dance. Not usually. 

Not ever, actually, in the time that Aaron had known him. But for some inexplicable reason, when a drunken Nicky had tugged at Kevin’s sleeve and implored for him to come to the writhing floor, Kevin had looked up at Aaron and something had changed in his expression and he’d said, “okay”

It shouldn’t have been a big deal. It wasn’t a big deal. But Aaron’s body had come alive like a firecracker, anticipation thrumming under his skin and leaving him jittery with sparks. 

It should have been a warning. At the time, though, it wasn’t. 

They danced. Kevin danced with Nicky, and then with Aaron, and then they all danced with strangers and Aaron lost himself to the beat and the thrum and the heedy, exhilarating mix of dirty-drunk and anonymous-in-the-crowd. 

They went back to the table for another round and this time Nicky didn’t get up from his seat and Aaron wasn’t sorry to see him go. 

It was platonic, at first. 

There was space between them and bodies slipping in and out of them and hands slipping around their waists and hips, up their chests. They were sensual touches from passing strangers, but they kept catching each other’s eye in weighted moments, torn and distracted by each other. 

Then they moved closer. 

Aaron still wasn’t sure if it was just a group of drunks getting rowdy and enthusiastic, or more bodies entering the floor, or just them gravitating closer subconsciously -but they were suddenly pressed close, hips grazing and arms brushing and every miniscule touch lit Aaron on fire. 

Kevin’s deft hands moved their way to Aaron’s hips and Aaron let his fingers brush over the muscles on Kevin’s arms and then his back was pressed to Kevin’s chest and Kevin’s arm had slipped around his waist and Aaron closed his eyes and swam in the intoxicating feeling of it, utterly high off the sensation.

He told himself it was just alcohol. He told himself it was nothing. He told himself it was harmless and meaningless and he ignored the burning, lust filled look in Kevin’s eye when his fingers tugged into Aaron’s own and lead him away from the crowd. 

Before Aaron had the space of mind to think of stopping it, Kevin had him pressed against the wall, his body almost bent in half to reach him. His mouth was hot, wet, and utterly devastating and any thought Aaron may have had to protest had dissipated from his kiss-dizzy mind.

Kevin’s hands slipped under the sheer material of Aaron’s shirt, slipping over sweaty, hot skin with even hotter, lingering touches that gripped and pressed without censure. Aaron’s hand had found a home in Kevin’s hair, gripping the thick dark strands tightly, the other fisted in the collar of his shirt and holding him captive against him. 

Aaron had never really been turned on by a man before, but it seemed that tonight was all about him trying and devouring new sensations. 

Kevin’s mouth latched onto Aaron’s neck, that tongue of his twisting and pressing and doing wondrous things that made Aaron shiver and squirm, back arching and hips searching for pressure. 

It was then that a throat cleared beside them and after a hazy moment of trying to think through a lust-filled cloud, reality snapped back with a painful slap in the face and Aaron’s body turned frigid and ice. Frozen on horror. 

Kevin barely managed to capture his balance with how quickly Aaron shoved him away. It was too late. The damage was done. But fucked if Aaron wasn’t going to do everything he could to make it evidently clear that it was a mistake. A horrible, awful, terrible mistake. 

A cool gaze pierced into his skin, burning the side of his face like a stage light. Aaron didn’t want to look but he refused to ever be cowed by Andrews fuck-toy. Cool blue eyes flickered between them, assessing and watching with only clinical observation and no otherwise reaction. 

“We’re leaving”

Aaron thought that was worse. He felt shitty and awful and exposed and he wanted to hit something. He wanted Josten to say something, do something, _anything_ so Aaron could have the excuse to put a fist through his face and shut him up for good. 

Kevin’s eyes were boring into the side of Aaron’s face, but Aaron couldn’t look at him. Not now. Possibly not ever. Shame burned hot and thick through his body, twisting his stomach to something awful. 

No. Josten was the far safer place to look right now. 

Kevin had evidently had enough of being ignored, and walked on by them without a backward glance. Neil made as if to follow, but Aaron stepped in front of him before he could. His mouth twisted to a sneer and his eyes narrowed to slits and his fists clenched as Neil’s eyebrow rose on his otherwise expressionless face. 

“If you say anything… “ his voice was low and full of malice and dire warning but he wasn’t yet sure how to finish that threat. He’d think of something, though. And it would hurt.

Neil wasn’t impressed either way. He cocked his head slightly in a way that reminded Aaron far too much of Andrew and sent him a withering look, “as if I give a shit what you do”

Then he turned and left and Aaron was alone on the floor until he could finally uncement his feet and endeavor to move them. It was a herculean effort, but somehow he managed. His shame made him sick and his skin was itching and hot and all he wanted to do was crawl into a dark corner, curl up into a ball, and die. 

He usually didn’t care about sitting in the middle of the backseat of Andrew’s car but now he could feel every bit of contact on his body and he was furiously trying not to throw himself out the door and into moving traffic of the highway. 

He sulked up the stairs and dove under his covers and pulled himself into a ball and prayed to high Olympus that he’d wake up tomorrow and it would all be a dream. A horrible, stupid dream.

It wasn’t until the following morning, when he dragged himself into the bathroom to brush the nasty taste of hangover from his mouth and scrub it from his face, that he noticed the light but unmistakable red marking up the left side of his throat. 

Then the guilt finally set in. 

He pressed his fingers to it, and tried desperately to scrub the mark from his skin but it was no use. No use. 

Oh god. Oh god. _Oh fucking god_ what was he going to tell Katelyn? How could he ever face her after this? 

Katelyn. His beautiful, sweet, honest Katelyn. She was too good for him. He knew it. They all knew it. And this was why. 

He was a despicable coward who would burn in hell for eternity, but he never said a word. 

**

When Aaron was 13 years old, before the fateful meeting with Officer Higgins and the subsequent discovery of his twin brother, Aaron had had a friend.

A best friend.

His name was Rajesh Khatri and he and his family had moved over from India. His mother and his father were still together and he had a little sister called Maalai who was 2 years old and Aaron had thought she was the most beautiful girl in the entire world and called her princess.

Somehow they had become unlikely friends. Maybe it was because they were both kind of outcasts, or maybe it was because they were both the smartest in their class, or maybe it was because they were the only kids that actually wanted to learn, but quickly and easily they had become inseparable and Aaron was sure that no one could ever be such a good as friend to him as Raj. 

Raj… he was beautiful too. His skin was brown and velvety, and looked so much like sweet, creamy melted chocolate that Aaron oftentimes found his fingers rubbing absentminded circles into the smooth flesh of his arm, almost surprised when it didn’t swirl and shift and attach to his skin so he could get a taste. 

Raj didn’t seem to mind and Aaron didn’t think he should mind either, so they didn’t.

Then Aaron found out how very wrong he was and that lesson would forever be burned into his mind, playing again and again behind his eyelids and plaguing him in his dreams.

It wasn’t the first time his mother had beat him, it wasn’t even the worst, but it had been the most damaging.

Raj had been laughing and they had been smiling and Raj had leaned in closer to him and it was only instinctual, only natural, for Aaron to move closer and touch them at the lips. Raj had blinked at him and his beautiful chocolate skin had suddenly become warm and scarlet and Aaron had felt his own face heating (no doubt nowhere near as handsome as Raj’s) and they’d both smiled awkwardly and Aaron had leaned in to do it again and that was when his mother had walked in.

To this day, he was still thankful that his mother had had the presence of mind to wait until Raj had gotten the bus home before laying into him. But that hadn’t stopped her from drinking, however. No, she was at least 5 large glasses of cask wine down by his count, and it was always worse when her eyes started crossing and she couldn’t focus properly on his face.

He would give anything to go back and time and never invite Raj to his house. Anything. The blood from his veins, the bones from his body, his entire soul. Anything to relive this day again and do it over differently, but it never came.

Instead, his mother did.

She looked at him. She swore at him. She smacked him around the head and called him disgusting, an abomination, a sinner. A devil child sent to ruin her life, punish her. He could go to that camp like his cousin. Go to that sinner’s camp to be blessed and cleansed and see the error of his ways. He thought she was bad? _Oh, ho, ho, just you wait boy. Just you wait. They’ll beat the devil right out of you. Is that what you want, boy? Is that what you want? You want to go join your sinner cousin with the rest of the devils children? Just you wait. Just you wait…_

He sat and he cried and his tears pooled down his still soft cheeks and for the first time in his life, he had wanted to die. 

She made say it, again and again. She made him say it and she struck him every time and a little bit of him died every time he said it but she wouldn’t let him stop.

“I like boys”

_slap_

“I like boys”

_smack_

“I like boys”

_backhand_

“I like boys”

And then she spat on him. Right on his face. And Aaron had never been more ashamed and humiliated in his entire life and he just- oh, god he just wanted it to stop.

Oh, how wrong he had been. Because then she rang the Khatri’s and Aaron had almost had the guts to snatch the phone out of her hand but he was just too much of a coward.

She said words. Awful words. Derogatory and offensive and utterly cruel words. She called Raj a faggot, and a sinner, and a child of the devil and told the sweet, kind, caring Khatri family that they were foreign trash and could take their sodomy back to their own country before god came down on their heads.

Aaron sat in the kitchen and listened and cried silently with fat tears rolling down his face, staring into the floor like if he looked hard enough he could turn it from a solid to a liquid and then sink down off his chair and drown in it.

He’d been absolutely mortified. He wanted to disappear. He wanted to run away. He wanted to burn alive and he wanted to die and never, ever wanted to have to breathe again.

And never, ever, would he ever do anything that could make him feel like this again. Never. He’d be whoever he had to be as long as he never had to feel like this.

Raj never came back to school, and the Khatri’s moved and Aaron never heard from them again and he decided that was for the best because he was nothing but gutter-trash and a boy like Raj deserved a better friend. And his parents would tell him that it was wrong to kiss boys and he would grow up one day and marry a beautiful woman and make beautiful babies and live happily ever after with the lords blessing.

Not long after, Aaron found his way into his mother’s drugs and he got spotted at a softball game by a random cop who kept calling him Andrew and the rest was history.

Aaron never looked at a boy like that ever again.

**

Kevin was leaving. 

It was inevitable and it had been coming for a long time. Scouts had been at almost every single one of their games this season, trying to seduce Kevin with pretty contracts and benefits and court time, stinking of desperation and predatory hunger.

They’d made it to the third round of the finals, their final game of the season having them beat the still fractured Ravens once again, but it was Penn State that knocked them out and eventually went on to win the championships.

The Foxes had moved themselves from dead-last to the top four ranking Class I collegiate Exy team and everybody wanted a piece of them. But, especially, they wanted Kevin Day.

So, Kevin was leaving, and Aaron didn’t care. He didn’t. Not even a little bit. 

It was inevitable and it didn’t matter and Aaron didn’t care at all. 

He didn’t care as he helped carry boxes down to Kevin’s rental and he didn’t care when he saw Kevin’s dorm bed that he’d never sleep in again and he didn’t care as everyone said goodbye and Kevin didn’t even look at him.

He. Didn’t. Care.

He was just cold because he was coming down with something, and his chest hurt because he got knocked into too hard at practice, and the lump in his throat was because he was getting hay fever, and his heart was beating fast and heavy because he was carrying boxes down the stairs. 

That was it. That was why. There was no other reason.

Andrew was driving with Kevin to New York and they said it was because Kevin would need breaks driving (although there was no way Andrew would let him behind the wheel) and they said it was because Kevin would need help unloading his vehicle, but Aaron knew the real reason. He knew that Andrew didn’t let go of things easily.

Unlike Aaron, because Aaron didn’t care.

Kevin hovered awkwardly, his movement’s jerky and stilted like he couldn’t quite figure out what to do with his limbs. He paused in front of Aaron, too many things in his face, green eyes staring into him like he was searching for something.

The queen stood out on his face, stark and blue against the smooth golden tan of his skin and Aaron’s chest expanded painfully.

Kevin visibly swallowed and cleared his throat, “so, uh. I guess I’ll see ya”

It was stilted and awkward and no where near enough, but anything more was forbidden.

“Yeah” Aaron breathed, his voice somehow lost and hollow and he fought to strengthen the sound. He rolled his shoulders and shrugged and faked a nonchalance he didn’t feel at all, “see ya”

Kevin paused, and his hand came up and Aaron automatically tensed and Kevin saw it and immediately aborted whatever he had planned, turning it into a jerky wave. Then he turned his back and slipped into the car and Andrew slid into the other side behind the driver’s wheel and then they were gone.

Aaron watched as the car drove off until it disappeared from sight and Nicky stood with him and sighed wistfully, “it’s like… an end of an era. It just won’t be the same without him”

Aaron said nothing but couldn’t help but agree.

“Oh well, life goes on” Nicky sighed and smiled at him wistfully, something sad in his expression as he turned and patted Aaron on the shoulder, “we should go out to dinner later”

Aaron said something noncommittal and Nicky walked off and Aaron was left with Neil who was looking at him consideringly, eyes narrowed and scrutinizing and Aaron tried to ignore it and not raise to the bait but he was feeling too raw and hollow and Neil was _right fucking there._

“What?” he snapped, glaring at the slightly taller man and sending him his most venomous look that did absolutely nothing.

Neil cocked his head and shrugged his shoulders, “I’d call you a fool, but you already know that”

Aaron sneered, “fuck off”

Neil smiled, but it was that sharp and patronizing one that he sent to the press, the one that always got him into trouble and everyone else always suffered for it. Aaron wanted to rip it off his face but he did nothing but freeze, his fists clenched at his sides.

“Why don’t _you_?” and that was not what Aaron had expected and the sharp smile fell from Neil’s face and instead he looked tired, “life’s too short, Aaron. Time to grow some fucking balls”

And with that he left and Aaron heard the door snick shut behind him and felt the hot, humid air lick at his skin and curl under his shirt and tug at his hair and if he closed his eyes, for a moment, it felt like warm calloused hands and Aaron allowed himself one deep shuddering breath before pulling himself together and heading back inside.

**

Aaron stood outside the door. 

It was just a door. A particularly nice and expensive door, but nothing really special. He stared at it and took in the pristine white paint and once again read the names on the door and considered the well-worn buzzers and when his eyes hit a certain name again his heart started beating out of his chest and he had to wipe his sweaty palms on his jeans for the 17th time.

It was only when a resident came to the doorway and Aaron had to move out of their way as they looked at him suspiciously, likely wondering if they should call security, that Aaron finally manned up and hit the stupid fucking buzzer and held his breath to keep from hyperventilating.

“What” A rough and impatient voice snapped and Aaron felt all the breath leave him in a shuddering rush.

“It’s, uh-“ he had to clear his throat because it sounded rough and he was so, _so_ fucking lame, “it’s me”

The pause on the other end took years and Aaron was so tempted just to bolt back to the car and keep driving and never stop until he, no doubt, sent himself over the edge of a cliff.

Then it crackled and Aarons heartrate kicked up a notch, “…Aaron?”

He swallowed and shook out his jittery fingers, “yeah. Let me up”

The door buzzed immediately and Aaron stepped quickly across the lobby and into the elevator and spent the whole time counting floors and controlling his breathing and trying not to freak the fuck out.

The door wasn’t open when he got there so he had to knock and he didn’t hear any footsteps so he assumed that Kevin was waiting right behind the door and he wasn’t yet sure if that was a good or bad thing.

The door opened and there stood Kevin, thick dark hair a mess, green eyes wide but still cloudy with sleep, clothing twisted and creased and obviously thrown on at the last second because Kevin’s green shirt was inside out and Aaron couldn’t help but find that endearing. That, and the way it brought out the green of Kevin’s eyes and the gold tinge of his skin.

“Aaron” Kevin breathed, those eyes raking over him like Kevin couldn’t quite believe that he was here and Aaron stood there in a hesitant relief because Kevin hadn’t slammed the door on him yet so that had to be a good thing.

“Hey” was Aaron’s eloquent reply, all carefully crafted words slipping out of his mind and turning him into an idiot. 

“Why- what are you doing here?” Kevin’s brow creased with a deep dent, mouth tugging down at the corners and eyes narrowing in confusion.

Aaron dropped his eyes to his shoes, working his jaw and willing his heart to stop being such a bitch and being all stupid. He shrugged his shoulders because he had so many words but none of them would come and Aaron didn’t even know if he could even say them anymore anyway.

Then he told his self-doubt to _shut up,_ and his fear to _fuck off,_ and his self-loathing to _go choke,_ and he met the green of Kevin’s with the hazel of his own and took a deep breath and faked confidence and said, mouth tilted at the edge, “so… you gonna let me in or what?”

Kevin blinked. Then blinked again. Then cleared his throat and ran a hand through the mess of his hair, “yeah. Yeah, come in,” and stepped out of the way so Aaron could enter.

Kevin watched him the whole time, gaze boring holes into him as Aaron entered the apartment and took in the relatively good view and wide open space and clean, neutral and impersonal furniture and still unpacked boxes and then his gaze went back to Kevin and it didn’t shift any further.

Kevin was shifting his weight from foot to foot, his gaze darting around absently like he was trying not to stare at Aaron and Aaron suddenly realized that this was a common theme with him, something he’d done regularly, not just now.

“So, uh. You want me to show you around, or..?”

“No” Aaron cut him off, voice steady as his gaze.

Kevin hovered, ringing his left hand anxiously. Aaron had never seen him look so awkward before and it was a strange kind of thrill to know that the usually smooth and camera-ready star, or the usually cool-headed and condescending striker, could be reduced to an awkward mess just like anyone else. And that it was Aaron’s presence that was causing it.

Aaron decided to take pity on him, because Kevin was unused to being so human, “you got any food around here? I’m fucking starving”

Kevin looked to the cupboards and then back to Aaron, “yeah, I’ve got some protein bars and some ingredients for smoothies but that’s about it”

Aaron rolled his eyes, and felt his lips curl upwards “I meant real food. Like the shit that actually tastes good, not the shit you force-feed us because you’re a health-freak”

Kevin’s own mouth curled and it was such a good sight to see because Aaron had forgotten just how much he really missed seeing a rare, real, genuine smile on Kevin’s face that his chest suddenly ached.

Kevin shook his head in mock disapproval and crossed his arms over his impressive chest and leaned his hips back against the bench and considered Aaron with more confidence now.

This was normal, this was routine, this was them.

“How’d you even get here anyway?” Kevin asked, watching him carefully and now Aaron felt like the one on display but for once he didn’t actually care. His skin wasn’t crawling from the gaze that ran down him, instead it felt suspiciously much more like a caress and Aaron had to hold back a shiver.

Aaron’s mouth curled up into a self-satisfied smirk that he knew Kevin wouldn’t get, but just the memory of it had him feeling unbelievably smug, “I drove”

Kevin’s brow furrowed, “that’s like, 10 hours in a shitty rental. Why didn’t you just fly? I would have picked up”

The statement hung in the air but Aaron didn’t let it gain weight, he just smirked wider, “I didn’t say that I hired a rental”

Kevin’s brow furrowed and he stared at Aaron uncomprehendingly, “then how the hell did you… oh, fuck. _You didn’t_”

Aaron started nodding and his smirk split into a vicious grin across his face, a reckless and delirious buzzing of adrenaline under his skin, “_oh, but I did_”

Kevin let out a rushed breath, eyes wide like saucers. He ran a hand through his hair again and gaped at Aaron like he was crazy. 

To be fair, he probably was.

“He is going to_ kill _you.” But there was a smile in Kevin’s voice and a smile on his face as he looked at Aaron in wonder and bemusement, “you do know that, right? I don’t think even Neil could save you”

Right about now Andrew’s plane from New York would be landing and Neil would be picking him up from the airport in a car that was definitely not the Maserati and it was like a fucking rush just to imagine it.

Aaron laughed and it felt like a crazy lightness in his chest and he shook his head minutely and said, “worth it”

Aaron saw Kevin’s chest expand at his statement and he knew that Kevin knew exactly what he meant, but then Kevin dropped his gaze and looked down and his smile turned almost wistful and fortified, like there was pain underneath and Aaron really, really wanted to make that go away.

Aaron stepped closer, pace slow but assured and Kevin watched him from under his dark lashes and Aaron didn’t want them to dance around each other any more. He was sick of fucking dancing. He was sick of pretending. He was sick of lying and hurting and failing to cut away the pieces of himself that he hated.

He was so fucking sick of hating himself. And he’d work on that, eventually. But right now, he had something much more immediate to fix and he couldn’t stand to wait a second longer.

“Oi, Day” Aaron snapped at him, waiting until Kevin finally looked up and met his eyes again, “you gonna fucking kiss me or what?”

Kevin froze and Aaron could feel his heart trying escape out of his chest and then Kevin’s eyes darkened and his shoulders dropped and he said, “Yeah. Yeah I’m going to fucking kiss you”

And then he did.

**

The drive back was a lot more fun than the drive there, for several reasons.

Firstly, he wasn’t an anxious wreck that was racing against the invisible clock known as his resolve, battling with himself over and over and terrified that, even if he made it, Kevin wouldn’t even want him anyway.

Secondly, he wasn’t in a hurry. If anything, he was happy to stall, taking long scenic routes with the widows down and the humid summer air blowing in his face. The purr of the Maserati rumbled deep within his own chest, and Aaron had never been a man that interested in car, but he could certainly understand Andrew’s particular infatuation with this one. It drove like a sleek black beast down the long straight highways, unlimited power under his feet and Aaron could almost swear that when he sent it close to red-lining that the car actually flew. He was sure that this was what freedom felt like.

Thirdly, he couldn’t stop smiling like a damn, giddy fool. His chest was still light and filled with a thousand tiny butterflies that threatened to burst free from between his ribs and he wondered how anyone ever managed to function like this because he wasn’t quite sure if he was even safe to drive right now. He felt drunk. Silly, stupid, immature drunk. It didn’t matter how many miles he put between himself and New York, it wouldn’t fade and he didn’t want it to.

Ever. He never wanted this feeling to go away.

Pulling back into Palmetto had the nerves coming back because he wasn’t exactly sure how things were going to go once he got back to the dorm. Andrew could react in various ways, and he was incredibly possessive of things he considered this, and had made it evidently clear that Aaron wasn’t allowed to drive his car. Aaron didn’t know if the fact that he’d received no calls or texts was a good sign or a bad one. Neil had sent him one not long after he’d arrived at Kevin’s and all it said was _‘he’s back’_ like the cryptic fucker he was.

He pulled into the parking spot to find the carpark empty and at least that hopefully meant that Andrew wasn’t going murder him because surely he would have been hanging around like a reaper and shuttled Aaron back into the car to drive him to some secluded construction site or something before offing him, right?

Aaron took one last moment to admire the beautiful car, no doubt it would be the last time he was ever even allowed to look at it, before getting out, doing a quick paint check for any scratches or dents, and locking it up to head to his fate.

He went up the stairs with his overnight bag slung over his shoulder and was so tempted just to slip into his own room like a coward but he knew it was no use so instead he stepped up to his old room and knocked.

The door opened only a second later and Aaron was greeted with Josten’s bland expression, looking thoroughly unsurprised to see him.

“good drive?” he asked, voice mild, but there was a hint of a curl at the side of his mouth and Aaron didn’t know if he was amused by the theft, self-satisfied that he’d nudged Aaron into it, or eagerly awaiting Aaron’s death sentence.

“Yep. She drives like a dream,” Aaron couldn’t even muster up a convincing scowl and that was more annoying than anything.

Neil’s blue eyes flashed with something Aaron couldn’t quite catch, before he nodded his head and stepped aside, “that she does”

Aaron refused to pause before he entered, finding Andrew sitting on his perch by the window with a cigarette in his hand and looking out into the carpark below, no doubt at the park where his precious car now resided, having watched Aaron pull up and circle it before coming upstairs.

“Where’s Nicky?” Aaron asked, because if Andrew wanted to throw a hissy about him using his car then he could bring it up his fucking self.

Neil shrugged and leaned back against the cabinet, arms crossed over his chest and looking all casual and sure and far too fucking amused for Aarons liking, “just at the shop with Matt, picking up a few things. Ice cream, bleach, ducttape, black rubbish bags, mineral limestone. Y’know, just the essentials.”

“Neil” Andrews tone was bored, disinterested, but Aaron didn’t believe it for a second. His twin turned and looked at the redheaded man who, against all logical understanding, had somehow managed to locate whatever heart Andrew had left and capture it in his clutches, “stop talking”

Neil snapped his mouth shut but he could hardly hide the smile on his face and when Andrew’s eyes narrowed at him he stopped trying completely and just grinned before wandering off to the hall, hand waving over his shoulder, “fine, fine. Just don’t get any blood on the carpet, it’s a bitch to clean”

Andrew watched him go and then turned that dark look onto Aaron and Aaron immediately felt like fidgeting like a scolded teenager and he absolutely hated that Andrew could make him feel like this.

“You stole my car” he said, voice low and deep and simmering.

“I brought it back, so” Aaron made himself meet his gaze and pull a nonchalant shrug that his body was too tense to quite pull off, “technically not stolen” 

“Technically” Andrew moved his mouth around the word, eyes narrowed like he didn’t like the taste, “you’re not allowed to drive my car”

“Technically,” Aaron started again, “you never specifically told me that I couldn’t”

“Technically” he said again, and now it was clear from his tone that he was pissed and that never failed to incite Aarons own anger.

“What? You gonna add that one to the list of words no-one’s allowed to say in your presence too?” he was being petty and mean but he couldn’t help it. Their relationship may be built on blind loyalty, but it was also forged on stony silences, harsh words, poisoned jabs. They knew how to fight each other, they were still trying to learn how to pull their punches.

“Don’t” Andrew snapped and Aaron knew better than to argue because when Andrew got wound up there was absolutely no reasoning with him.

“Sorry” it fell out of Aaron’s mouth and he wasn’t quite sure if he wanted to take it back or not.

“Shut up,” Andrew snapped again but it was decidedly less vicious and more annoyed and Andrew was almost always annoyed so it was almost as good as neutral.

Aaron decided to keep his mouth shut and wait.

“You took my car, and you drove to New York, “ Andrew’s jaw worked and he stared at his cigarette butt before finally grinding it out on the frame and turning around to face Aaron, his elbows resting on his knees and dark, blank gaze focused entirely on Aaron, “you saw Kevin”

Aaron didn’t waver, “yeah, I did. I had some unfinished business to attend to”

Andrews look was condescending and unimpressed as he tilted his head to look at Aaron, “oh. Really. Is that what they’re calling it nowadays?”

Aaron swallowed but he didn’t say anything and he could feel his body start to flush in unwanted shame. He didn’t want to talk about it. He wasn’t ready to talk about it. He was only just getting used to allowing himself to think about it and tentatively explore it, but he sure as shit was not about to have the most painful and mortifying conversation in the world with his only-one-step-back-from-estranged brother. No fucking way in hell.

Andrew dropped his penetrating stare and looked down to his hands, “seems you owe Nicky an apology”

“Don’t tell him” it was out before Aaron even thought about it, rushed and panicked. God no. Nicky was the last person he wanted to know right now. No. No. _Fuck_ no.

Andrew sent him a withering look and even before he opened his mouth Aaron was already relieved, “don’t say stupid things”

Aaron let out a huff but it sounded far too much like relief than the indignation he was aiming for.

“You could have just driven him yourself, y’know. Saved me the hassle” Andrew said offhandedly, like it was that simple. To him, maybe, it was.

Aaron shook his head, “nah, I… had some shit to sort out. Besides, I figured you were just prolonging your goodbye”

Andrew let out a huff that almost sounded like indignation before he flicked Aaron a cool look and shook his head. This was probably the most civil conversation about something other than Exy that they’d had for the longest standing period of time without Betsy there to mediate and it was taking an obvious toll on both of them.

It wasn’t easy, for them. Maybe it would never be. But what mattered was that they kept trying to do it anyway.

Aaron turned to the door because he knew they were done, but Andrew stopped him with his name.

“Aaron,” and it was so rare that Andrew ever called him by his name. It always did something to Aarons insides, something like a sucker punch to the chest, the few times that Andrew actually said it, “If you take my car again I will personally cut your hands off. That specific enough for you?”

Aaron paused, but instead of feeling angry or annoyed, instead he felt the strangest urge to laugh and turned to Andrew, unable to fully hide his creeping smirk. He kept steady eye contact as he pulled the keys out of his jean’s pocket and whipped them at Andrews head. Andrew caught them instinctively, eyes narrowed at the expression on Aaron’s face and Aaron used that moment to grab the door for a quick escape.

“by the way, you’re out of gas” he said quickly before shutting the door and letting out a huff of a laugh at the loud clunky sound of keys trying to embed themselves into the wood behind him

So, _so_ worth it.

**

Before Aaron had left New York, he’d been snuggled in soft, Egyptian cotton sheets and light summer bedding, his entire back exposed to the air, muscles getting pressed and stretched by Kevin’s worn and calloused fingers, Aaron floating in a bubble of utter sweet and contented bliss. For once, his mind was quiet

“Aaron…” And Kevin’s voice held a hint of something that was more than just warmth, something small and laced with a slight trepidation. Rolling over, Aaron pulled himself out of his lazy spell and laid on his back, looking over at Kevin with his eye brown raised and waiting. 

“What…” then Kevin broke off and he laughed and it was something humorless and self-deprecating and Aaron’s blissful mood started seeing storm clouds on the horizon. Kevin took in a breath and firmed his shoulders and his voice and plowed ahead with that bull-headed determination that had seen him master playing with his least dominant hand.

“What is this, you being here? Is this just one for the road or…?”

Aaron felt nerves bubble under his skin, so many instincts nipping at him to shut off, shut down, and backtrack as far as he could but he forced himself onwards anyway,  
“It means that maybe, you should come see me and shit.”

“Yeah?” Kevin’s voice was soft as a breath, leaning up on his elbow to look at Aaron, a hint of a smile curling the side of his mouth.

“Yeah. If you want” Aaron shrugged feigning a nonchalant and hoping that Kevin couldn’t see the way his heart was beating out of his chest

“Okay” then the smile pulled into something bigger, less peaking and more satisfied and his eyes looked far too warm and green when they looked at Aaron.

Kevin’s fingers walked a path up Aarons arm, up from his wrist to the inner part of his elbow, sending pleasant tingles across his skin and Aaron found himself distracted watching it, “And, y’know, call me and stuff.”

“You want me to call you?” And there was something almost teasing in Kevin’s voice now but Aaron was too distracted by the other man’s touch to summon up the proper indignation.

“Yeah. Y’know… whatever,” Aaron shrugged again, clearing the rough sound out of his voice.

Kevin’s eyebrow raised and a knowing smile started to curl at his mouth and Aaron felt his body flush in vulnerable embarrassment. “Yeah. I’ll definitely call you and whatever”

Aaron narrowed his eyes and tried to affect his prickly exterior but it was hard when he was feeling so fucking soft, “and skype me. So I can see your stupid fucking face”

Kevin rolled his eyes and moved onto his back, “such a charmer. Careful, you might just make me blush”

“Shut up” Aaron snapped, but it lacked any real heat.

“Just like how your blushing right now” And Kevin was definitely teasing him now and Aaron did not fucking like it and Kevin was a fucking asshole and he needed to stop looking so fucking pleased with himself and like there was nowhere else in the world that he would rather be.

“Fuck off”

“It’s all the way up to your ears” Kevin reached up to touch but Aaron smacked his hand away in a petty huff. 

But Kevin wasn’t even slightly deterred, “and down your neck. Oh, and across your chest, and I wonder if it will go…” 

He teased his fingers at the waist of Aaron’s pants and Aaron smacked his hand away once again and rolled onto his front and buried his burning face into the pillow and tried not to die of the warm but irritating embarrassment. 

He scowled into his pillow because he could _feel_ Kevin laughing silently behind him and feel him shift on the mattress, the heat radiating off the darker man’s skin the warning before Kevin’s legs tried to tangle with Aaron’s and Aaron was feeling pretty fucking petty so he knocked them back with a rough shove.

“Aw, Aaron, are you being shy?”

“Fuck you. I fucking hate you. Stop smiling, because I mean it” but any venom in his words was thoroughly muffled by his pillow and didn’t affect anywhere near the level of threat that he was going for.

Kevin’s hand came up to rest on his shoulder blade and Aaron thought about nudging that off too, but he didn’t want Kevin to actually think he was mad at him (even though he definitely, absolutely was) and he didn’t really want Kevin to stop touching him, so he allowed it and tried to hide his shiver when Kevin leaned over him, hot breath exhaled onto the skin behind Aaron’s ear, causing tingles to rush down and all over his body and into the very tips of his toes. Kevin’s bare skin brushed against Aaron’s back, teasingly light, and so, so warm.

“I will definitely skype you, you grumpy little shit” Kevin spoke lowly in his ear and before Aaron could even think of a snarky reply, Kevin pressed his lips to the soft, sensitive skin behind Aarons ear and this time Aaron definitely couldn’t suppress his shiver.

Then that talented fucking mouth of his moved down Aarons spine, across the expanse of his shoulders, teeth grazing and tongue pressing and soft, moist lips catching and Aaron thought he was going to fucking die and it would be so, so worth it. Aaron didn’t even know how Kevin knew, but Kevin somehow fucking knew just how much Aaron turned into an absolute, blissed-out puddle of melted butter anytime Kevin gave any attention to the sensitive and tight skin across the muscles of his back. Aaron hadn’t even really known how damn easy he was until Kevin was taking advantage of it and using that particular button to simmer down Aaron’s prickly and abrasive nature until he was almost purring like a contented fucking kitten.

That was the only reason, the only fucking reason that Aaron was stupid and sated enough to open his mouth and let the words slip out, “I’ll be looking forward to it”

Then he froze. All the loose muscles of his back, all the pliant, drowsy limbs, all the sappy, stupid, dizzy thoughts in his brain; they all tensed, and it was high fucking alert. He shouldn’t have said that. Why did say that, god, he was fucking stupid. This was a mistake, this was such a big fucking mistake, why did he have to get all weird on it and-

Kevin tugged at his brittle shoulder, having noticed Aaron’s abrupt freeze, and refusing to let him hide away in the covers and curl up into a ball of self-loathing and hatred and anger and attempt to fortify his barriers to unbreachable heights. Being vulnerable wasn’t Aaron’s particular forte and he despised the hint of it within himself. 

Kevin tugged him over and grabbed Aarons chin, forcing him to meet his gaze and there was something intense in Kevin’s gaze Aaron couldn’t quite get a read on, and fear clenched in Aarons chest because he’d gotten it so, so wrong. And then Kevin slipped his fingers into Aaron’s hair, sliding up slow and careful, cupping Aaron behind the ear and Aaron melted like pathetic putty at the touch and Kevin said, “stop”

So he stopped.

Kevin shut his eyes and pressed his forehead to Aaron’s and nuzzled into Aaron’s cheek and Aaron’s eyelids fluttered like the traitors they were and his breath left him in a shaky sigh and it felt so much like dreaming that he didn’t want to wake.

“I’ll be looking forward to it, too” Kevin spoke soft and low and Aaron couldn’t stand it anymore so instead he kissed him again and memorized every second of contact between their bare skin and knew he would remember it vividly for the rest of his life and he definitely didn’t mind.

**

**Author's Note:**

> oh, look, you made it.  
Please let me know if I need to add tags or warnings and such. 
> 
> comments and kudos always appreciated and thanks for reading!  
:)
> 
> p.s another two parts (atleast) will be coming out eventually because im not done with these disaster boys yet.
> 
> Also, let's just pretend that New York is a 10hr drive from Palmetto coz I forgot to look it up, okay? K, cool.


End file.
